Children already live in a world full of violence and fear.
A beloved actor bolts out of his seat, and strides up onto the Oscars’ stage. Walking with purpose he heads directly toward the speaker, another man, stops in front of him, pulls his right hand back and swings it towards the man’s face. Smack. A collective inhale is heard throughout the crowd. The actor turns around and strides back to his seat while continuing his assault – this time verbally. Everyone’s television is suddenly muted.
Is this part of the show? Was this planned? The look on the comedian’s face says it all. No.
Perhaps the actor forgot that he was not performing? Perhaps that is exactly what he was doing.
Honestly, I don’t care why he found it necessary to violently attack a presenter at the Oscars. Chris Rock is a comedian. Will Smith is an actor, a husband, a father, and a role model to many. Why couldn’t he tolerate listening to a joke about his wife without reacting violently?
I care that Will Smith reacted violently.
Sitting in the comfort of my home, I felt violated. Although I didn’t feel the physical pain, I was triggered. I believe that, like millions of other viewers, I was not alone in my reaction. Memory affords us the ability to eliminate things we don’t like over time. It doesn’t matter that I have not been hit for over 40 years; watching physical violence causes me to have a physical and emotional response. This is trauma.
The voice in my head is screaming: Children are watching! Adults bear the responsibility to make children feel safe, and Smith failed. Who was he protecting? He demonstrated to the world’s children that when adults get mad it is “okay” to be violent.
Let’s not forget that this all happened in real time against the backdrop of an war in Ukraine and the COVID pandemic. Many recent studies, including one by the Surgeon General, highlight the mental-health crisis among children and adolescents. We can’t forget that the record number of mass shootings due to senseless gun violence renders us numb to the innocent victims of these heinous acts.
This all adds to what Thomas Huebl calls collective trauma. “To feel the problems of our world is to know its suffering, but this requires compassionate ‘response-ability,'” Huebl has said. “If we fail to address the world’s collective trauma with clarity and compassion, we imperil the survival of our children and our children’s children—and countless other species.”
My call to action is for you, the parent, teacher, or grandparent, to stand up and let children hear the message that physical abuse is never an acceptable way to act out anger, rage, or frustration. Every person is entitled to their thoughts and feelings. Here a comedian told a joke. It was insensitive and hurtful. If he offended anyone, he should take responsibility for that; however, he is a comedian at the Oscars. What were the expectations for his job?
Will Smith opted not to take the opportunity to educate people about his wife’s condition or even how words can be insensitive and inappropriate. Unfortunately, he turned to violence.
Pay attention to what your children are seeing and hearing about this incident as well other issues. Engage in thoughtful conversations. Avoid statements such as “That is what it looks like for a man to stand up for his woman,” or “He insulted his wife, so he deserved to be hit.” This type of messaging can be confusing and upsetting, and doesn’t help young adults learn healthy ways to navigate conflict or emotion.
Remember: Children need to feel physically and emotionally safe to develop healthy boundaries that lead to healthy relationships.
7 Talking Points to Help Facilitate Conversation
- Are you aware of the incident at the Oscars involving physical violence?
- Did you watch a video of the incident? What are your thoughts?
- Have you ever seen someone get hit?
- Have you ever hit someone?
- What are your thoughts about Chris Rock getting hit?
- What do you do when you are overwhelmed with feelings of anger and fear?
- Do you ever struggle with anger or rage?
Points to Highlight
- It is okay to feel angry and even rage. It is not okay to use physical violence.
- It is okay to set boundaries with people. “No, you can’t speak to me or my friend like that.”
- It takes skill and practice to learn to manage your emotions.
