How the consumption of porn is having a detrimental impact on children.
“I am afraid I will be raped,” a young woman told me recently. I was startled. I didn’t see that one coming. I followed up with the typical question you would expect me to ask as a therapist: “Is someone threatening you?” “No,” she answered, explaining: “Talk about rape is everywhere. I hear it from guys in my school, videos on TikTok and even the news.”
Working as a child and adolescent psychotherapist for over 30 years, I have had conversations too numerous to recount about sex, porn, first kisses, addictions and fears. I am grateful that my clients trust me to share their experiences, fears, desires and regrets. I am the listening ear, guiding voice to people, especially teens, helping them navigate the turbulence of hormones and social media.
Something is changing and I am afraid that many parents are not paying attention. When a 14-year-old young woman, living a privileged life full of love, a good education, and the support of family and friends declares that she fears that she will be raped, it is cause for attention. Her fear is rooted in a world that welcomes TikTok and social media influencers into the bedrooms of our children. It is magnified by the political landscape that permits and at times celebrates rude and misogynistic behavior.
I have listened to stories of boys and girls as young as 6th graders who watch porn on their phones in class, on the school bus and other public areas. A consistent theme is that boys feel an entitlement to watch porn publicly and have their wants fulfilled by young women.
Social media, such as TikTok videos and challenges, continue to promote this rape culture. A TikTok Challenge can be created by a user or can be sponsored by a business. The challenge contains three elements: text, sound, and movement, such as a dance. A challenge can be started by individuals, usually TikTokers or influencers with many followers, or by brands that have invested in TikTok advertising. One of the latest TikTok Challenges is that TikTok creators use body paint to demonstrate where they were touched without consent. It was created to be a powerful way for victims to convey their stories and received positive feedback from other users. However, a young woman discovered a trend where guys post videos mocking the videos of girls coming out to share their stories of abuse by putting a can of paint in their videos.
This is a complicated and confusing terrain for young people to navigate alone. They need help. We cannot expect children to have a set of tools to deal with these issues.
Easy and frequent access to pornography has only intensified the issues. Parents need to be aware of what content their children are consuming and for how long. PornHub is one of the most popular sites on the Internet. The website has no age restrictions, just a menu to fill a variety of appetites.
Today’s world demands that parents talk to their children about sex and sexuality in a way that hopefully honors their children, that promotes self-respect and respects other’s right to choose what is right for them. Parents need to speak to their children about the harmful and toxic effects of rape culture, what it means to be raped, why it is not okay, and how important concepts such as consent, respect, patience, and intimacy are. Parents should talk to their children about porn, discussing topics such as: What is a healthy sexual appetite? What is a healthy expression of one’s sexuality? Help their child feel safe to discuss thoughts, feelings and uncomfortable situations. Discuss not only the frequency of viewing porn but what type of porn can negatively alter one’s expectations and sexual appetite and create feelings of shame and guilt that all can negatively impact having a healthy relationship with themselves and with another person in the future. Parents must continue to learn about the latest trends and monitor their children’s technology usage.article continues after advertisement
Parents:
Get curious. Ask your children what are they viewing, where are they viewing it, and how they are feeling when they engage with it.
Open up lines of communication with your children, even if it is uncomfortable and embarrassing. Think of this as yet another opportunity for your children to help you learn and grow.
Set clear limits and boundaries. It is never okay to view porn in school. And it is never acceptable to send pornographic photos of yourself, a friend or a random video/photo to another person—this is an illegal act.
Set restrictions on technology, such as that all devices must be out of the room during sleep hours. Trust me — nothing good happens when teens are FaceTiming at 3 a.m. in the dark.
Talk to your kids about self-respect and respecting others. This isn’t a one time conversation. Role play with your teens on what to say or do in different scenarios, such as if a friend asks to send a nude picture of themselves, or what to do when a friend sends a nude picture of another person. Other scenarios that should be discussed include how to respond when a person says, “I think you are hot, I want to rape you,” “I won’t talk to you anymore if you don’t do this with me,” or “It’s just us, no one else will see it.”
Don’t be afraid to show your fear and passion to your children. Share personal stories of how you felt when someone made an inappropriate comment. Illustrate for them why it is never okay for women or men to be objectified.
Be patient with yourself and with them. It is uncomfortable for kids to talk about sex with their parents. Listen to what they have to say.article continues after advertisement
Don’t threaten or point your finger. Acknowledge that it is a hard topic to talk about. Share a story or two about what it was like for you when you were their age. For example, I remember telling my daughters about the time I covered my ears when my mom tried to tell me about the “birds and the bees.”
Talking about sex must include a discussion about consent, respecting another person, and having self-respect.
Do your homework. Share with them what you know about TikTok videos that joke about rape.
Help teach them that these types of jokes perpetuate rape culture and sexual abuse.
In the news…
Recently, a lawyer, writer, and journalist mistakenly forgot to turn off his camera during a Zoom call while he engaged in virtual sex. While this story played for a few days in the news cycle, the truth is that adults and teens are engaging in sexual acts in non-private and inappropriate settings frequently. The blurred lines that have become our norm, especially since COVID-19 sent us to our homes, have escalated the problem. How often in this virtual world, where professionals are on Zoom calls wearing a work shirt and pajama pants, does something questionable happen for others to view? How many times did someone have two or more screens up—one with porn or pornographic material while signed in to a Zoom call or phone call?
Open Communication is needed. I can’t urge you enough to educate yourself about this topic and talk to your kids. I have many stories that I could share that are alarming and heartbreaking. More importantly, your children have experiences that leave them feeling violated, uncomfortable, confused, frightened and lost. They need you to help them by setting limits, saying no, providing consequences and even tolerating “I hate you” once in a while. Helping your child learn to be open, honest, and transparent with you or another trusted adult about uncomfortable topics like sex and porn will allow them to see more clearly and be in healthier relationships.
